Leap of Faith

Well, I finally got the job offer from the local university, and another job offer from another company in the same day.  I thought it would be great to have options, but it just made the week miserable trying to figure out which path to take.  I've made my decision now-- I turned down the university job, and I am relieved.  This will be an exciting new path in a new professional direction.  For once in my life, I am NOT taking the "safe" choice, I'm going out on a limb.  It's scary, but what do I have to lose?  As one of my best friends told me earlier in the week-- "Even if you go down in flames, at least you'll never sit back and wonder "What-If..""

Don't sit around and wonder "what-if"... get out there and do it.  Of course I may be even broke-er financially in a year that I am now (highly unlikely... it can't get much worse!! haha!), but at least I will have given it my all and gone for the stars.  Life's short-- and we don't all get the priviledge to grow old.  Go for it.  I did. 

Today has been interesting to say the least.  I had a job interview at the university here, and I was so worked up emotionally about the interview I am completely exhausted tonight.  It's interesting, the position I applied for isnt that glamourous, but it's something I could be proud to do, and that counts for something.  But, it also brings up a bunch of other questions....

I had already started making a path in another career (with my grandmother nonetheless, which adds another layer of complication), and then all of a sudden, this opportunity comes along unexpected.  Well, not completely unexpected... I mean, I did apply for the job.  BUT, I applied MONTHS ago and I really kinda forgot about it.  So now I'm torn.  If I dont get the university job, then I dont have any big decisions to make.  But, if I do... I dont know what's going to happen.  I might be disinherited... haha... kidding... kinda.

So, this makes me think, and as a friend pointed out to me today-- I need to decide what I actually want to do with my life.  I have always known that I want to be a horse breeder-- hence the Ph.D. in the field, but I sometimes question that path as an actual "real job".  The next question then becomes, do I really need a "real job?"  Does that old saying "Do what you love and the money will follow" ever ring true?  What about my family?  How pissed with Grandma really be?

OK-- so let's sort some things out:
1) Current job and going to work with Grandma pays a very very small hill of beans, but has a greater earning potential.

2) University job pays good and offers benefits and retirement...

3) University job is SOMEWHAT related to my degree....

hhmmm...

Sure, that seems like a simple decision, and I admit seeing it in black and white makes things a little more cut and dry... but geez!

Starting. Over.

So much has happened in the past six months, it's impossible to know where to start.  Although I could rehash all the drama, pain, and emotions here and now, I choose not to.  I'll try to stick to the biggies--  The facts are simple:  Brent's gone to a better place where he is cancer-free and without suffering, but I'm still here.

Brent's been gone for six months + 4 days now.  My life, as I had planned or envisioned, is no longer recognizable.  I have wallowed in sadness and self-pity, I have had feelings of total loss and despair, I have felt lost and alone, but mostly, I am afraid.  I am afraid of starting over, I am afraid of being alone yet I am afraid of being with anyone else, I am afraid of being broke, I am afraid of disappointing those that love me, I am afraid that I will give up on myself.  There.  I said it.

Even though I have felt at times that I have lost everything, I am so lucky to have NOT LOST EVERYTHING.  I have amazing friends and family.  It's funny, when you go through a shit storm, the folks that are there for you are not always the ones you expect, but they are better than I could have ever imagined.  If any of you are reading this, thank you for being there-- good, bad, and ugly.  Especially you Yummy, Young Bitch, Auburn, Vet-ling, MMV, and those in North Zulch.  You know who you are.  If you are reading this and have been removed from the situation-- Please know I am not mad and I still love you.  I know that most of you bailed because you couldn't handle the situation or didn't know what to do-- and honestly, if I was on the other side of the fence I don't know what I would do either.

I have also been blessed with new friends.  It's strange to be friends with people that didn't know Brent other than through my stories.  Not bad, just strange.  It makes me sad that they will never appreciate his stories and jokes like I did, but it's uplifting to have friends that care about me and are somewhat removed from the sadness and sorrow of Brent's battle.  It's a new life.  It's not necessarily the life I wanted or planned, but it's the life I have, and I still intend to do the best I can with it.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time. -Abraham Lincoln

I admit that I have not spent much time looking forward to the future lately... mostly because it scares the hell out of me to not know where my life is headed next.  I am a planner.  I plan.  Excessively sometimes.  And when things do not going according to said plan, it freaks me out.  So, needlesstosay, I have obviously spent a lot of time "freaked out" lately.  I have been feeling as though all my dreams and wishes were robbed from me and that everything in my future was a big black hole of uncertainty.  Very sad.  Very dismal.  Very depressing.  Other than that, I cannot describe how it feels to be stripped of your dreams, but I know that I am not the only person in this world to experience such emotions and feelings.  The good news is-- I feel a change coming on.

There comes a point when we must CHOOSE to  be happy.  We must CHOOSE to live our lives, even if it is not according to our plans... but it is indeed according to the plans of our Lord.  God wants us to be happy, and sometimes we have to make that choice for ourselves too.

For the first time since last October, I have caught myself dreaming about Brent's and my future together.  I have been making plans.  I have things and events that I am actually looking forward to, and I am not worrying so much about the unknown (because really, what use is it to worry about things you cannot control?!).

I admit that when I am lacking my own inspiration, I often reflect on the inspiration and wisdoms of others (much smarter than myself).  Today, I stumbled across this gem by John F. Kennedy-- "For time and the world do not stand still.  Change is the law of life.  And those who look only to the past or the present are certain to miss the future."  Although I don't completely agree with JFK's lifestyle and "social activities", I cannot deny that this man has also had an amazing positive influence on the lives of countless Americans during his life.  And, I think that this quote is even more meaningful coming from JFK.  Think about it-- he certainly lived a fast, furious, and passionate lifestyle, and like everyone else, he never knew when his final day on earth might come.  But, without a doubt, this man embodied a "life for the next moment" lifestyle, and for the most part, it served him rather well.

It is impossible to serve only the future without honoring the present.  But, I certainly plan to spend more time appreciating the present, moving on from the past, and looking forward to many brighter days ahead.  The Lord is with me, and I know he will take care of me.

Remembering 9/11

I have spent a lot of time today reflecting on 9/11/01.  Like everyone, I remember exactly where I was when I heard the news-- I had just finished Feeds and Feeding with Dr. Carstens in Kleberg and my friend and I had walked over to the Vet School to get ready for Physiology.  The news was on in every room with a TV, and everyone's life was on hold.  We all spent the next days glued to any media outlet possible for more information, when all we could do was cry, pray, and lick our proverbial wounds.

A friend emailed me this morning with a message from Pastor Rick Warren, author of "The Purpose Driven Life" and "The Purpose Driven Church", that focused on why God allows evil things to happen.  This message was strong, truthful, and echoing.  In a nutshell, the message is summed up with these words: God allows us to make choices.  In Heaven, His will is carried out perfectly, but earth is a not a perfect place.  People are allowed to act on their own free will, often causing harm to others.  Bad things happen here.  Too often to good people.

If you would like the email, I would be happy to pass it along.  Just drop me a note.

Daily Medicine-- Laughter! :)

I know that most of you who actually read this get Brent's medical updates via Facebook or our Caring Bridge website, so I won't go into too much detail, other than Brent's latest CT scan was GOOD!  :)  Yeah!!

On the other hand, while Brent was waiting to get in for his chemo, we had something really funny happen--

So there we are... sitting in the waiting area very innocently watching some judge show on the TV.  I was rebelling by eating a.... chicken salad sandwich (it was delicious).  This older lady, who was very well put together walks up to the sign-in counter and begins talking to the receptionist.  Behind her, a gentlemen walks up... and then he smiles at me and says "Wow... I'm drunker than a skunk..."  So, my obvious reply is "Well, what did they give you..."  The answer?  "Two Xanax", accompanied by an even larger smile.  Brent's mom, Jimmie, then chims in with "Oh yeah!  Good stuff!  Do you have any to share!?!?"  Much laughter ensues.  See, you can have fun at the hospital!  :)  Humor is proof that God loves us and He wants us to be happy!  <3

Life's Lessons from the Coral Cookie (instead of the fortune cookie...)

Here are a few gems that I have picked up on lately and thought it was worthwhile to share:

Even when you think you're most alone, you're not.  He is with you.

In tough times, people you thought would be there for you won't be, but people you never expected to stand by your side will come forward.

There will always be people you want to help you and people that want to hurt you.  It's not always easy to tell the difference.

Even dark days have a silver lining, even if it's only to make you appreciate the good times.

People are strong because they HAVE to be, not because they WANT to be.

Love is our greatest gift from God.  It's what separates us from the animals and makes our lives worth living.

Life would be boring if everything always went as planned.  But, I wouldn't mind it if things went as planned occasionally.

<3<3<3<3