Leap of Faith

Well, I finally got the job offer from the local university, and another job offer from another company in the same day.  I thought it would be great to have options, but it just made the week miserable trying to figure out which path to take.  I've made my decision now-- I turned down the university job, and I am relieved.  This will be an exciting new path in a new professional direction.  For once in my life, I am NOT taking the "safe" choice, I'm going out on a limb.  It's scary, but what do I have to lose?  As one of my best friends told me earlier in the week-- "Even if you go down in flames, at least you'll never sit back and wonder "What-If..""

Don't sit around and wonder "what-if"... get out there and do it.  Of course I may be even broke-er financially in a year that I am now (highly unlikely... it can't get much worse!! haha!), but at least I will have given it my all and gone for the stars.  Life's short-- and we don't all get the priviledge to grow old.  Go for it.  I did. 

Today has been interesting to say the least.  I had a job interview at the university here, and I was so worked up emotionally about the interview I am completely exhausted tonight.  It's interesting, the position I applied for isnt that glamourous, but it's something I could be proud to do, and that counts for something.  But, it also brings up a bunch of other questions....

I had already started making a path in another career (with my grandmother nonetheless, which adds another layer of complication), and then all of a sudden, this opportunity comes along unexpected.  Well, not completely unexpected... I mean, I did apply for the job.  BUT, I applied MONTHS ago and I really kinda forgot about it.  So now I'm torn.  If I dont get the university job, then I dont have any big decisions to make.  But, if I do... I dont know what's going to happen.  I might be disinherited... haha... kidding... kinda.

So, this makes me think, and as a friend pointed out to me today-- I need to decide what I actually want to do with my life.  I have always known that I want to be a horse breeder-- hence the Ph.D. in the field, but I sometimes question that path as an actual "real job".  The next question then becomes, do I really need a "real job?"  Does that old saying "Do what you love and the money will follow" ever ring true?  What about my family?  How pissed with Grandma really be?

OK-- so let's sort some things out:
1) Current job and going to work with Grandma pays a very very small hill of beans, but has a greater earning potential.

2) University job pays good and offers benefits and retirement...

3) University job is SOMEWHAT related to my degree....

hhmmm...

Sure, that seems like a simple decision, and I admit seeing it in black and white makes things a little more cut and dry... but geez!

Starting. Over.

So much has happened in the past six months, it's impossible to know where to start.  Although I could rehash all the drama, pain, and emotions here and now, I choose not to.  I'll try to stick to the biggies--  The facts are simple:  Brent's gone to a better place where he is cancer-free and without suffering, but I'm still here.

Brent's been gone for six months + 4 days now.  My life, as I had planned or envisioned, is no longer recognizable.  I have wallowed in sadness and self-pity, I have had feelings of total loss and despair, I have felt lost and alone, but mostly, I am afraid.  I am afraid of starting over, I am afraid of being alone yet I am afraid of being with anyone else, I am afraid of being broke, I am afraid of disappointing those that love me, I am afraid that I will give up on myself.  There.  I said it.

Even though I have felt at times that I have lost everything, I am so lucky to have NOT LOST EVERYTHING.  I have amazing friends and family.  It's funny, when you go through a shit storm, the folks that are there for you are not always the ones you expect, but they are better than I could have ever imagined.  If any of you are reading this, thank you for being there-- good, bad, and ugly.  Especially you Yummy, Young Bitch, Auburn, Vet-ling, MMV, and those in North Zulch.  You know who you are.  If you are reading this and have been removed from the situation-- Please know I am not mad and I still love you.  I know that most of you bailed because you couldn't handle the situation or didn't know what to do-- and honestly, if I was on the other side of the fence I don't know what I would do either.

I have also been blessed with new friends.  It's strange to be friends with people that didn't know Brent other than through my stories.  Not bad, just strange.  It makes me sad that they will never appreciate his stories and jokes like I did, but it's uplifting to have friends that care about me and are somewhat removed from the sadness and sorrow of Brent's battle.  It's a new life.  It's not necessarily the life I wanted or planned, but it's the life I have, and I still intend to do the best I can with it.