Starting. Over.

So much has happened in the past six months, it's impossible to know where to start.  Although I could rehash all the drama, pain, and emotions here and now, I choose not to.  I'll try to stick to the biggies--  The facts are simple:  Brent's gone to a better place where he is cancer-free and without suffering, but I'm still here.

Brent's been gone for six months + 4 days now.  My life, as I had planned or envisioned, is no longer recognizable.  I have wallowed in sadness and self-pity, I have had feelings of total loss and despair, I have felt lost and alone, but mostly, I am afraid.  I am afraid of starting over, I am afraid of being alone yet I am afraid of being with anyone else, I am afraid of being broke, I am afraid of disappointing those that love me, I am afraid that I will give up on myself.  There.  I said it.

Even though I have felt at times that I have lost everything, I am so lucky to have NOT LOST EVERYTHING.  I have amazing friends and family.  It's funny, when you go through a shit storm, the folks that are there for you are not always the ones you expect, but they are better than I could have ever imagined.  If any of you are reading this, thank you for being there-- good, bad, and ugly.  Especially you Yummy, Young Bitch, Auburn, Vet-ling, MMV, and those in North Zulch.  You know who you are.  If you are reading this and have been removed from the situation-- Please know I am not mad and I still love you.  I know that most of you bailed because you couldn't handle the situation or didn't know what to do-- and honestly, if I was on the other side of the fence I don't know what I would do either.

I have also been blessed with new friends.  It's strange to be friends with people that didn't know Brent other than through my stories.  Not bad, just strange.  It makes me sad that they will never appreciate his stories and jokes like I did, but it's uplifting to have friends that care about me and are somewhat removed from the sadness and sorrow of Brent's battle.  It's a new life.  It's not necessarily the life I wanted or planned, but it's the life I have, and I still intend to do the best I can with it.