The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time. -Abraham Lincoln

I admit that I have not spent much time looking forward to the future lately... mostly because it scares the hell out of me to not know where my life is headed next.  I am a planner.  I plan.  Excessively sometimes.  And when things do not going according to said plan, it freaks me out.  So, needlesstosay, I have obviously spent a lot of time "freaked out" lately.  I have been feeling as though all my dreams and wishes were robbed from me and that everything in my future was a big black hole of uncertainty.  Very sad.  Very dismal.  Very depressing.  Other than that, I cannot describe how it feels to be stripped of your dreams, but I know that I am not the only person in this world to experience such emotions and feelings.  The good news is-- I feel a change coming on.

There comes a point when we must CHOOSE to  be happy.  We must CHOOSE to live our lives, even if it is not according to our plans... but it is indeed according to the plans of our Lord.  God wants us to be happy, and sometimes we have to make that choice for ourselves too.

For the first time since last October, I have caught myself dreaming about Brent's and my future together.  I have been making plans.  I have things and events that I am actually looking forward to, and I am not worrying so much about the unknown (because really, what use is it to worry about things you cannot control?!).

I admit that when I am lacking my own inspiration, I often reflect on the inspiration and wisdoms of others (much smarter than myself).  Today, I stumbled across this gem by John F. Kennedy-- "For time and the world do not stand still.  Change is the law of life.  And those who look only to the past or the present are certain to miss the future."  Although I don't completely agree with JFK's lifestyle and "social activities", I cannot deny that this man has also had an amazing positive influence on the lives of countless Americans during his life.  And, I think that this quote is even more meaningful coming from JFK.  Think about it-- he certainly lived a fast, furious, and passionate lifestyle, and like everyone else, he never knew when his final day on earth might come.  But, without a doubt, this man embodied a "life for the next moment" lifestyle, and for the most part, it served him rather well.

It is impossible to serve only the future without honoring the present.  But, I certainly plan to spend more time appreciating the present, moving on from the past, and looking forward to many brighter days ahead.  The Lord is with me, and I know he will take care of me.

Remembering 9/11

I have spent a lot of time today reflecting on 9/11/01.  Like everyone, I remember exactly where I was when I heard the news-- I had just finished Feeds and Feeding with Dr. Carstens in Kleberg and my friend and I had walked over to the Vet School to get ready for Physiology.  The news was on in every room with a TV, and everyone's life was on hold.  We all spent the next days glued to any media outlet possible for more information, when all we could do was cry, pray, and lick our proverbial wounds.

A friend emailed me this morning with a message from Pastor Rick Warren, author of "The Purpose Driven Life" and "The Purpose Driven Church", that focused on why God allows evil things to happen.  This message was strong, truthful, and echoing.  In a nutshell, the message is summed up with these words: God allows us to make choices.  In Heaven, His will is carried out perfectly, but earth is a not a perfect place.  People are allowed to act on their own free will, often causing harm to others.  Bad things happen here.  Too often to good people.

If you would like the email, I would be happy to pass it along.  Just drop me a note.

Daily Medicine-- Laughter! :)

I know that most of you who actually read this get Brent's medical updates via Facebook or our Caring Bridge website, so I won't go into too much detail, other than Brent's latest CT scan was GOOD!  :)  Yeah!!

On the other hand, while Brent was waiting to get in for his chemo, we had something really funny happen--

So there we are... sitting in the waiting area very innocently watching some judge show on the TV.  I was rebelling by eating a.... chicken salad sandwich (it was delicious).  This older lady, who was very well put together walks up to the sign-in counter and begins talking to the receptionist.  Behind her, a gentlemen walks up... and then he smiles at me and says "Wow... I'm drunker than a skunk..."  So, my obvious reply is "Well, what did they give you..."  The answer?  "Two Xanax", accompanied by an even larger smile.  Brent's mom, Jimmie, then chims in with "Oh yeah!  Good stuff!  Do you have any to share!?!?"  Much laughter ensues.  See, you can have fun at the hospital!  :)  Humor is proof that God loves us and He wants us to be happy!  <3

Life's Lessons from the Coral Cookie (instead of the fortune cookie...)

Here are a few gems that I have picked up on lately and thought it was worthwhile to share:

Even when you think you're most alone, you're not.  He is with you.

In tough times, people you thought would be there for you won't be, but people you never expected to stand by your side will come forward.

There will always be people you want to help you and people that want to hurt you.  It's not always easy to tell the difference.

Even dark days have a silver lining, even if it's only to make you appreciate the good times.

People are strong because they HAVE to be, not because they WANT to be.

Love is our greatest gift from God.  It's what separates us from the animals and makes our lives worth living.

Life would be boring if everything always went as planned.  But, I wouldn't mind it if things went as planned occasionally.

<3<3<3<3

Any change, even a change for the better, is always accompanied by drawbacks and discomforts. -Arnold Bennett

Brent's folks came up a few days ago to help us continue getting ready to move, for which I am HUGELY thankful because we couldn't do this alone.  We all started packing, and then we just kept on packing.  Originally, I thought we would get the "nonessentials" packed for storage, but then, everything kinda became a "nonessential"... and I'm OK with it.  I will admit that I am sad that our home doesn't look like "home" anymore, but there just isn't any point to prolonging the painful process of moving (and a huge life-change).  I don't like being in limbo, and I am just ready to get moved so that Brent and I can get on with our lives in a new place.  And, it's not toooooo bad considering this is our new backyard...

As we were packing, I ran across a (literal) slip of paper with this jotted down "I believe in the sun, even if it does not shine.  I believe in love, even if I do not feel it.  I believe in God, even when He is silent."  It moved me the first time I heard it, and it moved me again today.  I searched online to see if I could find the original author, but all I could find is that it was an inscription on a wall of a Warsaw Ghetto cellar in Germany by an unknown Jew hiding from Nazi persecution, circa 1942.

"On a dark desert highway..."

So, we have landed us in QUITE A FEW hotels/motels/no-tells around Texas lately.  Consider Brent and I at-your-service and proudly doing the leg-work on where to stay and where NOT to stay in your own future adventures.  Here's my take on the "budget-friendly" ($100 a night or less) temporary housing offered in our great state.

Holiday Inn Express-- Hands down my favorite, but unfortunately, the most expensive on this list.  Plan on dropping about $100/night.  Fresh comfy sheets, non-down duvets (my allergies can't handle the real deal), and a selection of either soft or firm pillows (labelled via pillow case) on each bed.  I would probably live here if I could.  Holiday Inn Express completely satisfies my OCD need to label things.  With them, I will never be tricked by a soft pillow when expecting a firm pillow.  They don't even spit on your toothbrush or pilfer through your things while you are gone from your room.  Has a nice rewards system for frequent guests.  Overall Score: A

La Quinta Inn and Suites--  Q: Do you know what "La Quinta" means in Spanish?  A: Next to Denny's!  Haha!  OK, that's an old joke, but Brent and I say it everytime we pull into a La Quinta parking lot (which is frequently since it's our favorite place to stay when visiting the fine folks at MD Anderson).  More seriously, we actually met the original Quinta family, and they are really nice people!  You would never know they have a Scrooge McDuck-style swimming pool if you just casually visited with them!  In any case-- consistently clean, always comfy (thanks to their Simmons Beautyrest mattresses), great rewards program, and yes, often located next to Denny's.  Moon Over My Hammie anyone?  Overall Score: A- (only because they don't label their pillows)

Econolodge-- Fortunately, the questionable Econolodge of El Paso of my youth has replaced.  My more recent stays in Econolodges (also often, as it's my second choice when we are at MDA) has been much more enjoyable.  However, I will admit that the rooms even at the SAME motel vary widely in decor and overall quality.  Beds are OK for a night, but I wouldn't plan on staying much longer.  I don't like their provided shampoo or soap.  AND I LEFT MY SONICARE TOOTHBRUSH IN OUR ROOM THE FIRST TIME WE STAYED HERE AND "SOMEONE" TOOK IT AND DIDN'T TURN IT IN TO LOST AND FOUND (TRUST ME, I'VE CALLED AND ASKED REPEATEDLY).  I hope someone out there is enjoying my toothbrush.  Overall Score: D-  OK... If my toothbrush showed back up (or that incident never happened) they would easily score B.  I'm biased.... and this blog isn't a democracy.

Motel 6-- I have been a fan of Motel 6 for a long time because of their cleanliness and cheap rates.  Plus, I love Tom Bodett (check out his website).  Until we stayed at the Motel 6 over by the Houston Medical Center, I really had nothing bad to say.  Usually, you really get MORE than you pay for.  However, Motel 6 over off of South Main is hit or miss.  Sometimes you get a clean smoke-free room, sometimes you get a room with obvious signs of previous drug use.  I'm not exaggerating.  This site also only offers internet services in the rooms closest to the freeway (where we always request the side away from the freeway so we can actually sleep).  Overall Motel 6 Rating: B.  Motel 6 on South Main in Houston Rating: D.

Swiss Lodge (Blanco, Texas)-- Sleep in your car!  UUO's (Underwear of Unidentified Origin) in the corner of our room... dirty dirty dirty.  DIRTY.  A/C didn't work well AND it was $90/night.  Overall Score:  F-.  You won't catch me staying here again.

On another completely unrelated note, I love The Oatmeal.  This guy's a comedian and he always cracks me up.  Check out the latest: How Commercial Airplanes SHOULD be Laid Out...

Other Oatmeal favorites (when you need a pick-me-up):
How to Pet a Kitty

How to Use a Semicolon (if only gradeschool grammar was this fun...)

15 Things Worth Knowing About Coffee

Why We Should be Eating Horses Instead of Riding Them (I admit, some parts of this one are a little crude, but I still cry because I laugh so hard at other parts...)

Bitey Bitey at Sunday Beach

Well, as most of the local-yokels already know, 12-year-old Nicholas Vossler was bitten by a suspected Bull Shark at Sunday Beach outside of our beloved Port O Connor, TX.  Brent and I grew up at this beach, and we definitely still enjoy some quality time out there together now.  Fortunately, Nicholas' foot was able to be surgically repaired, and from everything that I have read and seen (it even made the Today Show!!), he is recovering well.  Here are some links if you're interested in this incident and keeping up-to-date on Nicholas' recovery:

Nicholas Bites Back! (His own blog about the event!)
Shark Attack Monitor
Chron (from Victoria Advocate)

So, this brings about the public service announcement part of this message:  Let's look at some of the most common pointers about avoiding shark incidents, particularly those that apply to us along the Texas Coast...

1)  Notice that sharks may bite people, but it is less common for them to actually consume someone.  Apparently, people taste bad.  The shark spits the rest of them out.  Scientists report that most initial shark attacks are the shark "testing" something.  Granted, yes, they are testing it with a mouth full of razor-sharp teeth, but testing nonetheless.  So, the first point is to avoid looking like anything that might actually taste delicious to a shark.  Did Nicholas' feet resemble anything that a shark would normally eat?  Probably not.  Does a surfer on a surf board look similar to a tasty seal or large fish?  In some cases.  Does shiny colorful jewelry and clothing perhaps resemble the scales of fish?  Yes.  Rethink the bling.

Delish.

2)  Safety in numbers.  Just like girls going to the bathroom.  Sharks (and bar creepers) both pick off singletons.

3)  When a fish is injured, it splashes around a lot.  When people play in the surf, they also splash around a lot.  Coincidence that these behavior coincide with shark attacks?  Probably not.

4)  Bleeding.  You know this one already.

5)  As demonstrated at Sunday Beach, sharks are not intimidated by shallow water.  Especially where there is deep water nearby for ease of entry and exit.  Sunday Beach is the perfect example...

6) Bait.  You may not be the intended bait, but you might be nearby.  We've all watched schools of baitfish cruising the waves (OK, some of us blessed to live on the coast have).  Avoid bait... balls in the surf, attached to some guy's (or gal's) fishing rod, or on a stringer for wadefishing. 

Brent had an issue with this one time-- He and some buddies were diving and spearfishing off a rig offshore.  They had their dive flags posted, which is a clear indicator of divers below (as should have been the empty boat tied to the rig).  Brent always recalls watching fish by the rig and then seeing a half of a fish floating down through the water by him... following by seeing a large Hammerhead shark cruising by above them.  Yep, some other "people" had arrived at the same rig and started chumming.  Needlesstosay, words were exchanged at the surface.

EEEEKKKKKK!

7)  If you see a shark, GET OUT OF THE WATER!  There are some website that analyze the "swim style" of the shark to determine if it is being aggressive or not... seriously... don't waste your time.  Go find a nice sandy spot on the beach and a cold beverage.

On average, there are 75 unprovoked shark attacks annually (don't get me started on the provoked attacks, they asked for it).  Of these, about 10 result in an unfortunate fatality.  Basically, you have a better chance of winning the lotto (go get a ticket Nicholas, when you're old enough anyway!!!), getting struck by lightning, or being killed by a dog, bee, or snake.

Also worth mentioning (since we're talking about sharks)-- A friend of mine started this several years ago-- Sharkathon!!!

God at work... through Craigslist??

I've had too many amazing experiences happen the last two days NOT to talk about them a skootch.

Since we are moving, I have a lot of stuff listed on Craigslist that we wanted to sell before we moved (versus trying to store them)-- things like a clawfoot bathtub (purchased for a remodel that's not going to happen), horse tack/stuff I dont use or need, the house for lease, our tractor and implements, etc.  SO, I have had a lot of people email me or call me for more information.

Yesterday, a nice lady called about the bathtub.  Almost immediately she knew it wouldn't work for her because it was too long for the space she was remodelling.  But, we continued chatting anyway.  In a nutshell, we ended up having quite a few things in common and she told me about how God helped her through some of the difficult times in her life.  The reaffirmation of God's presence and guidance in our lives, especially during the most difficult times in our lives, was just what I needed to hear.

Tonight, a wonderful woman called about the house (we had emailed yesterday before the house was officially leased).  I had to tell her the house was already leased, but again, we continued chatting.  She mentioned that she knew that the house probably wasn't right for them because of the timing of the move, but she just felt that the Lord was telling her to call me all day today anyway.  I admit that I was feeling a little down tonight since Brent is gone fishing and I am thinking about packing, and her call could not have been timed any better (which has been happening a LOT lately).  She prayed for Brent and me, and really gave me some wonderful advice and scriptures to refer and study.  Again, just what I needed.  They say that God doesn't always speak audibly, but He certainly speaks loud and clear through others.

It seems that God is into Craigslist for not only buying/selling, but for putting people in touch with others when the time is right.  The Lord indeed does work in mysterious ways, and He's definitely into the internet!  Amen!

Fruit of the Loin

Family can be tricky.  And of course this relates to family and "family", because we all have family that is in no way related to us.  Anyway-- Family (both kinds) can be your greatest ally or your greatest adversary, even simultaneously.  Family members' supportive words can be the best music to your ears, or their criticism can cut so deeply you actually think you are bleeding... and because they are "family" they are likely the extremes of both of these ends.

The good news is-- family sees you in the same light (like it or not).  And, even after a fight to end all fights, family usually offers a forgiveness that is beyond that of typical friends.  This forgiveness does not guarantee forgetfulness, and relationships may be changed forever by a single conversation, but that's not always a bad thing.

It's true that we don't get to pick our family members, but even despite their faults, I wouldn't pick mine any differently.  I hope they feel the same way about me.

It's the little things...

Brent and I had the honor of helping Brent's brother, "Dirt", celebrate his 50th birthday this weekend.  And, you can imagine, as any part should be for a "Dirt", it was a huge success.  Because of all the family that was in town though, Brent and I ended up bunking with his parents at a local no-tell motel... with two dogs and two cats also in the same sleezy room.  We had to take our dog with us because it's easier than finding someone to housesit for one night, and Brent's folks had their critter with them because they were heading back from their house in the Hill Country (they animals also travel).
 
So.. there we were.... 

It was about 1am, and I could stop laughing.  Here we all are, crammed into the last (and probably worst) bedroom in Blanco, Texas... Tater is creeping INTO our bed as only she can do, and one of the cats is howling.  Of course Brent is telling me to shut up and go to sleep (yeah right), and then he stops mid-breath and whispers, "Something's crawling on me...".  That would be the other cat (the non-howling one).  It seems that kitty #2 (aka "Hotrod") was kicked out of bed by howling kitty #1.  So, Brent + Coral + Tater + Hotrod settled in for a midsummers' night dream.... or not.  Howling kitty never stopped, and by about 4am he was finally banished to the truck outside to think about what he'd done by himself.

These are the best days of our lives.

"Cancer Changes Things"

"Cancer Changes Things" is one of the common things posted around the hospital.  I think it's worth mentioning that cancer changes things for both the better and the worse.  The worse are obvious, and I refuse to spend more time talking about it.  The better is worth a good whole-hearted discussion.

Any bad situation can be turned around into a learning experience for the betterment of inidividuals involved.  Like I read last night, "challenging" situations are sent to us as character-building experiences.  They teach us to reach higher and lower than we ever thought humanly possible.  They teach you about what is really important in life.  They teach you how to cherish each day.  They teach you what love really is and what it really means to promise to stand by someone 'til death do you part... for better or worse... and in sickness and in health.  They teach us that there are certain things in life that we CANNOT do without God's help, and that we really must surrender to Him to get through these situations.

As Brent and I have sloshed through our own situation, amazing things have happened in other areas of our lives.  Our worries about money and other material things has changed.  Everyone still has to have money to eat and have a roof over their heads, but we have been freed from the control of many material objects.  We spend more time caring about each others concerns, happiness, and comfort, and a lot less time arguing about stuff that doesn't matter.  We have both been incredibly humbled.  It's still hard to ask family for help with different things, and for me to even accept help from others, but it has been a valuable lesson.  It's OK to need someone, but it's still a little hard to swallow my "I can do it by myself!" footstomping attitude.

The hardest and saddest thing to realize is that most of the amazing positive changes in our lives would NOT have happened without a big slap like cancer.  It's hard to swallow that something this serious is the input to force major changes in our lives, but it is.  Again, everything happens for a reason.

Change is Inevitable... [insert kicking and screaming]

The idea of moving back to Portland,TX is harder to swallow when the weather is really nice, yesterday was not necessarily one of those days...

It's so hot outside, it's just silly.  Really.

Most of our friends and family already know that we're moving back to Portland, TX to stay with my mom for a while.  "It's the smart thing to do."  That's what I keep telling myself.  Brent and I are extremely fortunate to have so many family members that actually want us to come stay with them.  Portland is closer to all of our family (Dad's only about 20 minutes away in Corpus, and Brent's folks are only about an hour north in Seadrift).  And, being that neither of us are able to work right now (and we're 3 hours away from everyone) it's just best to lease our property here in Bryan.  We also both have some pretty cool job offers down around Corpus, so there are a lot of things pushing us South.  But still, it's bittersweet.  True, Brent and I were already talking about moving to the Corpus area before cancer returned, but then, it was under our terms.  Now, I admit, I feel like a failure.  Moving back in with your parents?  Rarely something someone wants to do.  I know, I know.  I shouldn't feel this way, but I do.  And trust me, it's nothing personal against any of our parents, they are all wonderful, really. 

Mom and Dad have both been extremely supportive of everything, and are really good at reminding me that this is a TEMPORARY situation, and that Brent and I WILL have a home of our own again soon.  This is just temporary... our current mantra. 

The good news is that Mom has an awesome house with a great view of the bay, and Dad and Brent are both excited about going fishing (or talking about fishing) whenever and as often as they want.  The beach is awesome, always.  Tater and June Bug (the dog and cat, respectively) should be fine at Mom's, and the horses will be fine too.  It'll be great to be closer to the ranch in Beeville.  And, I can't help but think that this is also God's way of getting us to make some changes in our lives.  We're listening.  The only real downer, about moving back to the coast is hurricane season.  Oh well, at least most of our stuff will already be packed up.

On another note, I collect hearts of all kinds.  Check out what I found outside... <3

Score!

A perfect shade of turquoise...

I had other ideas for today, but as I have learned, things don't always work out how we have planned.

In the meantime, this is my new bridle.  It's trashy, and I love it.... Yes, those are rhinestones.  Lots of them.  Sparkle sparkle, baby.

I used to ride with a friend that refused to ever use polo wraps that were any color other than black or white because it was "unprofessional".  My navy ones?  Way too flamboyant, crazy girl!  I've decided that too many of us (myself included) have spent too much time taking ourselves WAY too seriously.  Don't get me wrong-- there is a time and a place to look and act professional, but I am done letting what others think control so many of my thoughts and actions.  Don't worry, I am not taking the full leap to leopard-print-everything.  Girrafe-print or argyle-everything?  Now that's a possibility!

In tonight's dreams... Haha! <-- click me!  Don't tell Brent!  :)

There are just some things in life that I refuse to spend time worrying about anymore.  Money?  We all must have it to live in a house, eat, etc., but I am letting go of worrying about money.  I will continue to work hard, and I have faith that it will work out.  School?  I will get finished.  It's just not the most important thing in my life right now.  Geez, think of all the wasted time I spent worrying about exams and papers.  Death?  All of our lives ultimately end the same way, and it's inevitable.  Even God tells us not to worry... "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." (Matthew 6:34). 

Don't worry so much.  Take it one day at a time.  Check.

Are you there God? It's me, Coral.

Well, Brent and I had a long day driving to, in, and home from Houston today.  So, I had some time to do some thinking... serious thinking... about how to put some of my very consuming thoughts into words.  I'm going to talk about God now... Don't be scared.

First, I realize that yes, Brent and I are in a tough situation, and I am not small-minded enough to think that we are the ONLY ones in this world in a tough situation.  Many are in tougher situations, many are not.  Keep that in mind, eventhough most of the forthcoming information is directly related to us.

Do I believe in God?  Yes.  Have I had my doubts?  Yes.  I think this is OK.  It's hard for many people to believe unwaveringly in something that they cannot collect nonsubjective data on and then analyze... BUT I do believe in the validity of observational studies (for those not familiar/don't care about science-- that's the types of studies based solely on observation) when applied correctly.  Here's what I have seen at work in my life lately.  I hope you will use this evidence as a tool for good instead of evil.  :)

1) Brent's cancer was detected early because it JUST happened to be associated with a tooth infection.  Who helped us detect it and start treatment early?  God.

2) Brent was IMMEDIATELY accepted into the #1 cancer treatment hospital (MD Anderson) by pretty much being "in the right place at the right time".  FYI-  It's usually takes weeks or months to get in to MDA, especially for those that do not have health insurance.  Who got Brent into MDA with some of MDA's BEST doctors?  God (through family friends).  Praise be to God.

3) Who stood by both of us unwaveringly throughout Brent's surgery, recovery, and radiation?  God (and our family and friends too, of course).  Does He continue to be obviously present in our daily lives, even as we push through the current chemotherapy program?  Absolutely, yes.  Can we honestly FEEL God's presence?  Yes.  Has God spoken to us directly?  Yes.  And who said the voices in your head were bad!!!

And then there are the countless other "coincidences" that have happened throughout the past months (not to mention the rest of our lives).  And, just like in research-- when you end up with so many "coincidences", it's only right to start looking for the connection.  -->God<--.  "Luck" can ONLY get you so far.  Someone greater is at work here folks.

OK, here's where it get's tricky for me.  Who started all this cancer-mess in the first place?  God.  Ouch. 

Some argue that God does not cause cancer (especially the folks at MDA), but most believe that each of our plans are laid out and guided by God from before our birth, throughout our earthly lives, and into Heaven.  Am I mad at God when I see how cancer and its treatments have taken their toll on Brent.  Yes.  And, I'm OK with that too... now.  And I am working on that part of my relationship with God.

I know God has a plan.  I know I may not be capable of understanding said plan in my weakling human state, but I know that we will be OK.  And yes, there are COUNTLESS MAJOR LESSONS that Brent and I have learned from our situation that have greatly improved our lives already... tomorrow's blog?

I have friends that haven't accepted God.  This makes me sad.  Even more so that I would probably feel the same way if I were in some of their shoes.  But, I can promise this: I will pray for them daily so that they too will feel God's love when it is right.  I know that I wouldn't have made it this far in life without God, and I know He will take me through anything He has planned.

I promise not every post will be based on religion.  But this is just something that has been consuming a lot of my thoughts lately, and I feel like I just lost 10 pounds getting it out there.

OK.  That is all.  <3

Can you hear me?

Testing.  Testing.  1-2-3.  Anyone out there?

Life is full of adventures.  Some are awesome, and some are really really scary.  Blogging is my next adventure.  Why?  I don't know.  Shouldn't I be working on that dissertation?  Yes.  But I need a break from life, and I need some sort of outlet to help me keep my sanity.  So, here it is.  The good (my wonderful marriage), the bad (the unfinished dissertation), and the ugly (cancer sucks).

Do I want my friends to read this?  Honestly, I dont know.  Everyone's invited, but I urge them to take everything I say or do with a grain of salt.  This could be a train wreck.  It's a crazy time in my life, and some of that may have rubbed off on me.